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Dudley Do-Right vs. Yosemite Sam
Dudley Do-Right vs. Yosemite Sam is a What-If? Death Battle by I'm Lynda. It features Dudley Do-Right from from the animated television series, The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show, and Yosemite Sam from Warner Brothers. Description It's a story old as time, the fearless lawman versus the vicious criminal. In the Canadian Northwest, a Death Battle is looming, but who will come out on top? Interlude Wiz: In the late nineteenth century, in th Canadian Northwest, you had a lot of crime and lawlessness. Boomstick: And, one group of men stepped forward to bring law to...this...lawlessness? Wiz, that doesn't sound right. Wiz: Well, it was right, and those brave men were the North-West Mounted Police, the Mounties. Boomstick: No, I mean you're always a stickler for saying things right, and that didn't sound right to me. Wiz: In this Death Battle we bring forward the greatest of all Mounties, Dudley Do-Right. Boomstick: Wiz! You're stealing my lines! Wiz: And against him, we have that villain of villains, Yosemite Sam! Boomstick: I'm Boomstick, and that unconscious guy over there is Wiz. And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle. Dudley Do-Right Wiz: Ow, my head hurts! Boomstick: It serves your right, you thief! Wiz: Thief? Boomstick: That's right, you were stealing my lines! Wiz: Anyway, in the late nineteenth century, the Canadian Northwest was wild country, filled with fur trappers, lumber jacks, gold miners, and, of course, outlaws who were there to prey on them and their loved ones. Boomstick: So, to bring law to this lawless place - ha, I got it right that time! - the Canadian government organized the North-West Mounted Police, later known as the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. Or, as they are known the world over, the Mounties! Or, the men in the red coats and Smokey Bear hats. Wiz: The Mounties were a group of determined lawmen, with the motto, "We always get our man!" At least it was in the Canadian Northwest that we're talking about here - the Northwest of Dudley Do-Right. Boomstick: Do-Right was "the pride of the Mounted Police," the greatest of them all. And when he went out to capture someone, they got captured...one way or another. Wiz: You see, while Do-Right is renowned as a Mounty, he was not up against much in the way of completion. Boomstick: To call Do-Right dim would be an insult to dim-bulbs everywhere. Wiz: We could go on for a week talking about how thick Dudley Do-Right is. But, he does have some things going for him. First of all, Do-Right has a solid belief in his own abilities, undeterred by any and all evidence to the contrary. Boomstick: And, like most other cartoon characters, Do-Right does have access to the Toon Force. For example, at one point, he was blown up with a bomb, and was only left dazed and singed, and at another point he was shot full of holes, but not appreciably harmed. Wiz: And, though we never see him fire it, Dudley does carry his service weapon, a revolver. Plus, he is a fisticuffs fighter, being willing to take on bad buys with his bare fists. Boomstick: Yeah, he does have quite a few weaknesses, but don’t sell him short. He’s the best that Canada has to offer, and that means...something. Yosemite Sam Wiz: By 1945, the men that made the Bugs Bunny cartoon shorts realized that Elmer Fudd was just too soft to be a good opponent for the rascally rabbit, so animator Friz Freleng introduced a new opponent, Yosemite Sam. Boomstick: Sam was the perfect opponent for dear ol’ Bugs. He was loud, he was insulting, and he was heavily armed... Wiz (quietly): Sounds like someone I know. Boomstick: And he was also short, stupid and easily goaded into ill-advised actions. Wiz: Now, there have been Sams throughout history, including a medieval knight Sam with a dragon, a Pirate Sam on the Spanish Main, a Hessian Sam at the American Revolution, and of course Yosemite Same, the meanest, toughest, rip-roarin-est cowboy of the Old West. But, the one thing that they all have in common is that they are all heavily armed. Boomstick: It just goes to show that there’s good in everyone, if you know where to look. But, let me just say that Sam’s aim has always been pretty inconsistent. Like old Elmer Fudd, Sam could throw a storm of lead at Bug Bunny or Daffy Duck, and not have a single bullet strike home. Wiz: True, but when firing at innocent bystanders, he could often shoot like a pro. Boomstick: And, he is never short of the old ironmongery. Once, in a competition with Bugs Bunny, Sam reached into his holsters and first pulled out two six shooters, then two eight shooters, and finally two ten shooters. Wiz: That’s right, Sam was never a push-over. Like his opponent, he has access to the Toon Force. He has been shot in the face with pistols, rifles, shotguns and cannons, blown up with dynamite, had safes, anvils and pianos dropped on him, and suffered no appreciable harm. Boomstick: And, it takes a lot of take the fight out of Sam. He has suffered great deal of damage before he’s thrown in the towel. He has fought Bugs Bunny from one end of history to another, and clear across the face of the planet. That Yosemite Sam is one bad hombre! Intermission Wiz: Alright the combatants are set; let’s end this debate once and for all. Boomstick: Its time for a DEATH BATTLE! DEATH BATTLE! Pre-Fight The setting is a train station in the Canadian Northwest. Standing on the platform is Snidely Whiplash, his short but trusted lieutenant, Homer, and an equally short cowboy with a large red mustache, and two large pistols. Snidely looks at the camera, and says, “You think of me as a young man? I’m honored.” Yosemite Sam glares up at Whiplash, and barks out, “Well, ah’m here! Whatsit you wahnt done?” Snidely smiles down at the man, and twirls one tip of his mustache. “You see, my good...um, sir, I have finally decided that the only way to beat the Mounties is to break their will once and for all by humiliating their greatest officer, Dudley Do-Right.” Sam runs the back of his hand, and then his arm under his nose, making it bounce back with an audible “twang.” “Where do ah find this here Do-Right feller?” he asks. Snidely smiles, and says, “Oh, just hang around town here, do a little mischief, and before you know it, he’ll show up.” “A do-goodin’ Do-Right, eh?” Sam sneers. “Ah hates him already. Alright, you got law-man troubles? Ah’ll plant him six-feet deep! Ah’ll plant ‘em ALL six-feet deep!” Snidely fidgets uncomfortably. “Let’s not get carried away,” he stammers out nervously. * * * Dudley Do-Right stands at attention before the desk of Inspector Fenwick. The Inspector slams his fist down on the top. “Blast it, Do-Right, I won’t have it! I just won’t have it!” he fumes. “Some American blighter is causing all sorts of mayhem in town, and daring the Mounties to do something about it. I want you to ride into town, and bring that man in. Do you hear me?” Dudley snaps a crisp salute, and says, “Loud and clear, Inspector.” “Good man,” the inspector says. Then, he picks up some papers from his desk. “But do be careful out there. From all the wanted posters that precede the scoundrel, it does appear that he is a rather bad man.” “Tish-tosh,” Dudley answers. “He may be trouble down in the States, but he has never before come up against the Mounties. We always get our man!” Do-Right snaps another salute, lifts his left leg, and seems to fly right out the door. Mounted on his trusty horse, Horse, he rides rapidly towards town. * * * Dudley Do-Right is seen walking across the street towards the saloon, when suddenly, Nell Fenwick rushes up to him. “Oh, Dudley,” she drawls. “Don’t go in there. There’s a man in there who says that he will kill you.” She places the back of her hand dramatically against her forehead. “Don’t worry, Nell. I am a Mounty, and R.C.M.P. rules do not allow a Mounty to be killed in the line of duty.” “Oh Dudley, I hope that you are right,” she says, clasping her hands to be bosom. Dudley steps around Nell, and enters the saloon. Nell swoons, and collapses onto a bench in front of the saloon. Then, she opens her eyes, and leans over to look in through the window right behind her. * * * Inside the saloon, a crowd watches while a dancing girl kicks and twirls on the stage, all the while singing (rather off-key) to the piano accompaniment. “♪ Some people say I think I’m it, But I don’t care, They say they don’t like me a bit, But I don’t care, You see I’m sort of independent, Of a clever race descendant, My star is on the ascendant, That’s why I don’t care. ♪” Dudley clears his throat, and suddenly the piano stops playing, the dancer stops dancing, and every eye turns towards Dudley. “Um...excuse me, is there someone causing trouble in here?” Dudley asks. Suddenly, a particularly short man leaps off of a chair and stalks towards Dudley; his spurs tinkling with every step. He glares up at Dudley, and says, “Mister, ah came here for a show, and you’re’n disturbing it. If anyone’s causin’ trouble, it’s you!” Dudley looks around uncomfortable, runs a finger around his collar, and then says, “Well, in that case, I guess that I should escort myself out.” He turns towards the door, but before he takes a second step, Sam’s voice rings out. “What’s your name, Red Coat?” Sam demands. Dudley turns back towards him, and says, “There’s no sense in talking right now, we’ll just go on disturbing the show.” “I don’t care,” Sam declares. Immediately, the piano resumes playing the jaunty tune, the dancer kicks up her leg, and resumes singing. “♪ Some people say I think I’m it, But I don’t care, ♪” Sam turns angrily towards the stage, and yells, “Ah wasn’t talkin’ to you!” The stage instantly becomes quiet again. Sam spins back towards Dudley, and says, “Mah’ grandpappy fought red coats back in 1812. Ah hates red coats!” Dudley stammers out, “Um. Those were different red coats.” “Ah don’t care!” Sam yells. Immediately, the piano resumes playing, the dancer resumes singing and dancing. “♪ They say they don’t like me a bit, But I don’t care, ♪” Sam again spins towards the stage, he draws his pistols, and yells, “Ah wasn’t talkin’ to you!” The stage goes quiet again. Sam turns back to Dudley, points his pistols at him and says, “Ah’m gettin’ mighty tarred of you, stranger. You’re’n causin’ me to miss mah show!” Dudley looks uncomfortably down the barrels of Sam’s guns, and says, “In truth, it is you that keeps stopping the show...” “Ah don’t care!” Sam yells, interrupting the Mounty. Sure enough, the piano resumes the tune, and the dancer resumes the song. “♪ You see I’m sort of independent, Of a clever race descendant, My star is on the ascendant, That’s why I don’t care. ♪” Sam’s face turns bright red, he clenches his teeth, and steam shoots out of his ears. He turns back towards the stage, and fires three shots into the piano player. The man collapses onto the keyboard with a discordant racket, while the rest of the saloon goes silent. Slowly, twitchily, the man’s left arm reaches up to the keyboard, and taps out eleven staccato notes – Chopin’s funeral march. Sam shoots the piano player again for good measure. The man’s arm drops to his side. “Listen’ yah all," Sam yells to the crowd in the saloon. “Everyone’s to keep good an’ quiet till ah’m done dealin’ with this do-gooder.” Suddenly a look of surprise crosses his face. “Do-gooder? Do-Right!” FIGHT! ' Yosemite Sam spins around towards Dudley Do-Right, his pistols leveled, only to find himself looking at an empty space, and a pair of swinging saloon doors. Sam grits his teeth, and then runs towards the doorway, his short head passing clear under the swinging doors. He turns up the street just in time to see Do-Right, some 30 feet along, running across the street towards the stables. He fires his pistol, there is a loud “Clang!” and Dudley turns 180-degrees, now running towards the other side of the street. Sam fires, and there’s another loud “Clang!” and Dudley reverses again. He fires again and again, spinning Dudley round and round. Suddenly, Do-Right leaps behind a water trough, draws his own pistol, and begins firing at Sam. Sam leaps in surprise when the first bullet whizzes past him. Then, he turns, and darts behind a light post. He leans over and fires back at Dudley, who dodges out of the way. The two take turns firing at each other, leaning out and firing, while the other stays under covering. After a number of exchanges, Sam leans out at the wrong time, and one of Dudley’s bullets pierces Sam’s hat. Sam crosses his eye, as he tries to look up at the hole in his hat. There’s the sound of escaping air, and Sam’s hat collapses onto his head, like a wet rag. Sam snarls in anger, sticks his thumb in his mouth, and blows as hard as he can on it. His face turns red, and suddenly his hat reinflates to its old shape. the street can be seen Nell Fenwick sitting on the bench in front of the saloon, eating from a very large bucket of popcorn. Sam points his pistol in Dudley’s direction, and pulls the trigger. There’s a loud click, as the hammer strikes a spent shell. Sam looks angrily at the pistol, and then throws it at Do-Right. Dudley raises his own pistol, and pulls the trigger, only to hear a click from his own gun. He throws it at Yosemite Sam. Sam transfers his second pistol from his left to his right hand, and points it towards Dudley, and it clicks as well. He throws it at Dudley. Dudley reaches next to him, picks up an empty beer can, and throws it at Sam. Sam throws back an old, abandoned boot. Dudley throws a wine bottle. Sam throws a scissor jack. Dudley throws a tire. Sam throws a telephone. Dudley throws a tree stump. Sam throws a phone booth. Dudley throws an anvil, which strikes Sam upon the head, spinning him around. A chain of yellow stars can be seen dancing around his head above his crossed eyes. Dudley Do-Right steps up behind Yosemite Sam, and places a hand on his shoulder. ''“That is it,” he declares. “I arrest you in the name of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. We always get our man!” “Hooray!” Nell cheers from the bench. Suddenly, Sam spins around, and punches Dudley below the belt, causing him to bend 90-degrees at the waist. “Oh,” Nell says disappointedly. Dudley looks at Sam through watering eyes, and squeaks out, “That was NOT Marquess of Queensberry.” Sam barrels into Dudley, and the two men are propelled through the door of the Hudson’s Bay store. Nell stands up, and says, “Oh my, I must go get father.” She turns and hurries up the street. * * * Bangs and booms, and crashes and smashes issue from the store, and suddenly, Yosemite Sam flies through the window, and out into the street. He stands up, and raises his hands like a boxer, but staggers drunkenly around in a circle. Dudley Do-Right steps out through the door, the remains of a birthday cake crumbling off of his head. “I have you now!” he declares, and places his hand on Sam’s shoulder. Sam spins around in a roundhouse punch, but this time Dudley leaps back. “I’m not falling for that one twice!” he declares. Suddenly, Sam stomps on his foot. Do-Right yelps, and lifts his foot up, cradling it in his hands. “Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!” he yells, hopping around and around. Sam grabs the door of the store, and bashes it into Do-Rights face – once, twice, three times. He pulls the door off to the side, and looks at Do-Right, who stands with an even blanker look than usual. Sam pulls back the door and slams it into Dudley’s face as hard as he can. Dudley topples over like a felled tree. Just then, Inspector Fenwick hurries up, and confronts the man. “I say,” he declares. “You can’t do that to him. That man’s a member of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.” Sam pulls back the door again, and slams it forward, into the Inspector’s face. * * * Dudley Do-Right comes to, and finds himself lying in a wooden casket, in an open field. He sits up, and looks around, spotting Yosemite Sam next to him digging a grave. Dudley taps him on the shoulder, stopping his work. “You know, I’m not actually dead,” he tells him. Sam looks at Dudley, and suddenly raises the shovel. He brings it down on Dudley’s head. * CRANG! * 'K.O.! ' The cold Canadian moon shines down on an open field. Suddenly, from beneath a raised mound can be heard a muffled voice. “Hello? Is anyone there?” From beneath another mound comes the muffled voice of Inspector Fenwick, “Oh do be quiet, Do-Right. It’s all your fault that we’re in this mess.” Results '''Boomstick: he That was fun. Kind of an odd ending, though. Wiz: Well, both combatants had strong use of the Toon Force. Dudley Do-Right was once shot with so many bullets that he looked like Swiss cheese, and Yosemite Sam has had bombs explode in his lap and canons go off in his face. But, both just shook it off and walked away unaffected. Boomstick: Right, so it came down to...what? Wiz: Well, Dudley Do-Right is a persistent fellow, but so often any successes he had were down to luck, and not skill. Boomstick: Yosemite Sam, on the other hand was just plain nuts when it came down to pursuing an opponent, and there was no underhanded trick he wouldn’t sink to. Wiz: And, while Do-Right was too stupid to stay focused on anything for long, Sam would do anything and everything to get him. Do-Right could just not stay focused and effective enough to deal Sam. Boomstick: Sam was low, and now Do-Right is lower...six-feet lower! Wiz: That’s right, the winner is Yosemite Sam! Trivia Poll How many stars would you rate Dudley Do-Right vs. Yosemite Sam? 5 stars 4 stars 3 stars 2 stars 1 star Category:What-If? Death Battles Category:Death Battles by 2 Different Companies Category:Death Battles by 2 Different Series Category:I'm Lynda Category:'4th Wall' Themed Death Battles Category:'Toon Force' themed Death Battles Category:Human vs Human themed DEATH BATTLEs Category:'Gun Fights' Themed Death Battles Category:Completed What-If? Death Battles Category:What-If? Death Battles completed in 2018